INFALLIBLE! The WORD of GAWD & Creationism Intelligent Design times TWICE!|Infallible! The WORD of GAWD with Creationism Intelligent Design times TWICE!|Forum|Forum: Apocalypse & Armageddon

INFALLIBLE!

THE WORD OF GAWD

For God so loved his Jewish storytellers that He gave them the True Promised Land, Hollywood!–Christian Alexander Theodosius

In the Real Beginning, I, Gawd, in a Big Bang Kabbalahesque ‘Emanation' puked out All the Galaxies into the Universe from my Singularity Cosmic Darkness of a Heavenly Soma Blackout Drunk spewing forth in spasms ‘The Light' of the whole vomit of Creation. I also Created the Extraterrestrials, My Messengers from the Skies (i.e. ‘angels' from the ‘heavens' in the Greek idiom, by-the-way), so You wouldn't feel all alone. Archangels I did Not Create, as They are All just Fabrications of the Intertestamental Temple, which is supposed to be dedicated to Me, Gawd, but is instead dedicated to some ink & paper--hand of Man-created Idol-Character god-in human image--that is a Jewish Blasphemy in print, in both first-person and third-person narrative, and has long White hair and a beard and makes a fucking ass of himself in various of My Biblical Books when he's not drowning all of Creation; and seems to demand that his ‘Chosen People' kiss that Jealous ass of his 24/7.

Then in a Galaxy far, far away, from the center of My Cosmos, I Played My most Creative, ‘Intelligent Designed,' practical joke on All of Creation, since before Mine and My drinking and bar betting buddy Adversary Satan's fucking around with Job, and Created the local heavens and the Earth for a parochial bunch of delusional and ungrateful Stupid Dancing Naked Apes whom cannot seem to help themselves but until even this very day, Today, like Right Now, Just As Sure as You are Reading This, this minute, to still do that what is evil and wrong in the eyes of Gawd, just like all the human bi-pedal hominid Anointed Ones, kings & high priests, from Samaria (i.e. ‘Is-Ra-El'), in the North, unto Jerusalem (i.e. Ju-Duh! [sic]), in the South, all throughout the 400-years of My books of I & II Kings and Chronicles.

This is Your/Their story.

In the Beginning, I, Gawd, made the heavens and the earth; the earth not yet a sphere, but still flat as if Someday I would Create Four-Corners for it for Angels to stand upon, formless and void with darkness over the face of the Abyss. Then I caused a mighty Gawdly Breaking of Wind to form an Atmosphere so that My Breaking of Wind fart atmosphere could sweep over the surface of the waters I just that moment thought up to piss out from My void. Gawd (that is, I) said, "Let there be Light (even though I hadn't created the Sun yet), and Magically there was in print, ‘Light'. Gawd saw that this supernatural light was go-ood, and I separated this light from the Cosmic Darkness. Gawd called the light Day (even though I still hadn't created the Sun yet), and the Evenness of 12-hours of Darkness I called Night, by-the-way, just for the heck of it. So maybe just a touch allegorical Evening came, and allegorical Morning came, and I called it a day; since I had Now Created Minkowski Space-Time, a series of ever-changing points you can measure Four-Dimensions from when I eventually create Air Traffic Controllers & RaDAR; The very First Day.

And Gawd (that is, I, which I shouldn't have to keep repeating here if you have any adult reading comprehension skills whatsoever) said, "Let there be an Arch between the waters, to separate the lower waters from higher waters." So Gawd made the Arch, and separated the sea waters under the Arch from the rain waters above it, and so it was; and Gawd called the Arch, the Sky and the heavens (well, after I Created the ‘Old English' language first). Even though I still had not created the Sun yet, allegorically the Evening came, and the Morning came, and the Earth was now a Gravitational Sphere Planet of seas and skies reaching a Thousand Miles up through the Atmosphere into Outer Space, The Second fucking Day!

Gawd said, "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered into one place, so that dry land may appear in another place; and so it was. Gawd called the dry land dirt, ‘er well, uh, ‘earth,' and the gathering of the waters I called seas (since I had stopped the water rains from the sky after I made the Arch of the heavens, for just the time-being, mind you, there were no rivers to run throughout the lands yet to also divide the waters from the lands); and Gawd saw that it was go-ood! Then Gawd said, "Even though I haven't thought to create the Sun and Vitamin-D yet, let the Earth produce fresh growth, let there be on Earth ancient marijuana plants bearing seed, fruit-trees bearing fruit each with seed according to its ilk." So it was; even though there was no Sun yet for Photosynthesis, the Earth yielded fresh growth, plants bearing seed according to their own ilk and trees bearing fruit each with seed according to their ilk, and just for the fun of it poison sumac, oak and ivy; and Gawd saw that it was go-ood! Allegorically Evening came, and Morning came; and we had a plant Bungle in the Jungle just as if I had plagiarized a clay cuneiform Mesopotamian ‘Creation' tablet from the Great Library of king Ashurbanipal by one of The Bible's Apocrypha's, Tobit's, relatives in Assyrian Nineveh (You know, the place nowhere near Northern Israel or Southern Judah where Jonah had to go to renew his fucking library card and steal some ancient story ideas for Jewish priests to plagiarize), a Third Day.

Gawd said, "Let there be lights in the Arch of the heavens to separate Day from Night, literally instead of allegorically Now, and let them serve as Astrological Signs for the Magi and the Nazerites (to be Created at a later date, maybe in My book of Judges, like with the Jewish Hercules, Samson, and not someone from Nazareth) to keep track of Festivals and for Seasons and Years; and so Gawd, with the latter date Help of St. Greggory Peccary, Created The Calendar. Let the lights also shine in the Arch of the heavens to give light on the Earth (although supernaturally I already created Light a couple of paragraphs above)." So it was; Gawd made two great lights, the greater to govern Day, the Sun (although I screwed up here and created the Earth first before I created it's Star, the Sun, from the accretion of material from the formation of Your Solar System compared to My usual Nebulous Creation SOP [Standard Operating Procedures] throughout the rest of the known Universe--Since the way the Universe actually Works is My Divine Plan and not some priestly horseshit myths you've read in some book--but if I, Myself, cannot create a Rock so Big that even I, Gawd, cannot lift it–what the fuck, huh?), and the lesser light to govern night, the Moon; and with them I made the Stars (those stars as young as the Sun since I'd already made the rest of the Galaxies Billions of years before I even thought about Creating this insignificant piece of Dust-dogshit in Your Parochial corner of the Milky Way Galaxy, and Solar System, with Planet of the Apes, Stupid Dancing Naked kind, whom just long to kill each other over their religious differences in ‘Faith'). Gawd put these lights in the Arch of the heavens to give light on Earth, to govern the Day and Night, and to separate Light from Darkness (Yes I realize I'm Being redundant again, but Your ancestors should have realized what I'm trying to explain to you--a Thousand years ago–and corrected their own redundancy, if they were not so fucking such a bunch of Stupid Dancing Naked Apes brainwashed by My recalcitrant Priests and Scribes who wrote up this horseshit years after I put real inspirational notions in their minds which they rejected because they figured it would not allow them to Embezzle the Temple Treasuries and be small fry petty tyrants over the lynch mob's burnt-offering Barbecue Alter); and Gawd saw that it was go-ood! Finally, the Now Created Sun could allegorically set (actually the Earth's Horizon is Rising, rotating like a broiled Turkey). Evening came, and Morning came, a Fourth Day.

Gawd said, "Let the waters teem with countless living creatures: including crocodiles; piranhas; and sharks, and let birds fly above the Earth across the Arch of the heavens." Gawd then created the great sea-monsters (interpretation here depends upon old wives tales & old sailors stories to be Created at a later date) and all living creatures that move and swarm in the waters, according to their ilk, and every kind of bird; and Gawd saw that it was go-ood! So Gawd blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and multiply, and be in competition with each other, to eat each other, with My Earth as a First Come/First Serve Diner, and see whom can fuck the most and overpopulate their territories just like humans (to be Created at a later date) will; fill the waters and the seas; and let the birds and birdshit increase to fertilize the land." Evening came, and Morning came, a Fifth Day.

Gawd said, "Let the Earth bring forth living creatures, according to their ilk: cattle; reptiles; lions and tigers and bears (oh my); and other wild animals, all according to their ilk." So it was; Gawd made wild animals; cattle; and all reptiles, each according to its ilk; and Gawd saw that it was go-ood! Then Gawd said, "Let Us make Man in the Image and Likeness of the Universe, the Likeness of Creation, the Likeness of the Microcosm to the Macrocosm, to conserve the fishes in the sea; the birds of the heavens; the cattle; all wild animals on Earth and left in the Zoo; and all reptiles that crawl upon the Earth." So Gawd Evolved Mankind in the image and likeness of the Universe, from Gawd's own computer code, DNA, the ENOCH (the ‘Elements Nitrogen; Oxygen; Carbon and Hydrogen'), in the likeness of a Pantheistic Universe the Creator Created Himself as Creation, and Gawd Created Mankind; male and female Gawd Created Sex; Whoopie! Gawd blessed Them and said to Them, "Fuck as much as you can, since that seems to be the main thing on your minds after breathing, eating and drinking, except for the delusional religious fanatics that pretend that sex is only just for making more baby religious fanatics (which is actually psychological Child Abuse from Organized Cults), and increase, fill the earth, but conserve it; rule over the fish in the sea; the birds of the heavens; and every living thing that moves upon the Earth." Gawd also said, "I give You All plants that bear seed and get Stupid Dancing Naked Apes High and Make Merry and enlighten & Expand Your minds, including mushrooms (NOTE TO ADAM & EVE: Don't eat the toadstools!), everywhere on Earth, and every tree bearing fruit which yields seed: they shall be Yours for food and drugs and wine and beer. All green plants I give for food to the wild animals; to all the birds of the heavens; and to all the reptiles of the Earth; every living beast." So it was; and Gawd saw All that He had Made, and it was Very Go-ood! Evening came, and Morning, a Sixth Day.

Thus the heavens and the Earth were complete with All their mighty throng.

And Gawd said, "Motherfucker take that, Yeah! There!"

In the sixth Eon Gawd completed All the Work He had been doing, and in the Seventh Eon He ceased from all His Work and took a nap, which is why you don't notice Gawd doing a lot of Creating and Evolving today (except for evolving viruses and bacteria, which prove Survival of the Fittest of viruses and bacteria, along with families of the fittest of Sports Athletes). Gawd blessed the Seventh Eon and made it Holy, because in that ‘Day' He ceased from All the Atomic Particle Physics and Nuclear Magnetic Resonance Spin, and DNA-computer-code Creation He had set out to Evolve from Hydrogen. And like any other Artist, when Gawd was finished with his work, He smoked a Big Old Gawdly joint (just like Simon Peter, He got ‘Stoned,' the Foundation Stone upon which was founded The Church of the Holy Tax Loophole) and He stood back and admired His Art and His Craft and His Works for an Eternity, for an Eon, for a Day, in Gawd's eyes.

Now that I, Gawd, have told you One Biblical Intelligent Design Creation Story from Genesis, which you would think would be good enough, let Me tell you a Second Biblical Intelligent Design Creation Story from Genesis in a ‘Lawd Gawd' punster different sort of way. You may have noticed that there are several of My stories in Genesis that are told two-different ways. This was My method for keeping the two separate kingdoms, Is-Ra-El in the North in Samaria (to this very day the Samaritans have their own version of the Old Testament and believe themselves to be the True Capital of Is-Ra-El since they built Samaria as the Capital for Omri, king of Is-Ra-El, while the kings of Ju-Duh (sic), for about the next 400-years lived down South in Jebus, shared with the Jebusites/Hyksos, which City they would rename Salem and then rename again, and put some southern Priestly Spin on it, later call Jerusalem and make up some horseshit about it being the ‘City of David' although the Archetype characters for the stories of both kings David and Solomon probably ruled in Megiddo (by Armageddon), a much more developed city in that era, up North in Is-Ra-El which is why archaeologist today can't find any trace that either David or Solomon ever set foot in Jerusalem in Southern Ju-Duh!

Thus sayeth the Lawd Gawd, "One Biblical version story I give to the Northern kingdom of Is-Ra-El in Samaria, and the Other Biblical version story I give to the Southern kingdom of Ju-Duh in Jerusalem. This helped keep the two kingdoms separated for 400-years after the two short generations of kings David and Solomon although both Northern Is-Ra-El and Southern Ju-Duh are Psinging this same Psalm:

My Gawd's better than your Gawd
My Gawd's better than your's
My Gawd's better ‘cause He like us Best
My Gawd's better than your's

And remember I'm referred to as the Gawd of the kingdom of Is-Ra-El in Samaria, even by the kingdom of Judah, but not as a Southern god of Judah in Jerusalem for 400-years throughout Kings & Chronicles until after the so-called Babylonian Exile where the southern priests, with an agenda, put some Jeru-salem southern spin in some contrived stories of Jacob rebranded as "Israel" and turned 12 Constellations of the night heavens into 12 tribes with mnemonic device pun names.

And then, wouldn't you know it some Dimwit Jewish Priest thought he could make a Bestseller by combining the Northern Creation myth with the Southern Creation myth, along with All the Other Double Northern & Southern stories (imagine telling the same story twice, once from a Boston Northern New England perspective and then again from a New Orleans Southern Bible Belt perspective) and then passed it off as the Torah & Old Testament and then blamed the whole fucking mess on Me, Gawd, as if I had handwritten this Bible confabulation Myself, by My Own Infallible Hand (not the other hand that I use for masturbation), and even had the audacity to call this Abortion of Religious Texts, The Word of Gawd! And then sold it to the Christians whom seem to all be illiterate or have the reading comprehension skills of kindergartners not realizing that neither Matthew or Luke can even get Jesus' Step-Daddy Joseph's Family Tree to match each other (takes all of 15-minutes to write them out side-by-side in parallel columns for proof of these hoaxes) and neither Matthew or Luke match the Genealogies given in the more authoritative Old Testament. So not only are Matthew & Luke lying about Jesus, both hoaxes, from their first pages, Luke goes so far to--in his very first paragraph--warn his reader that his gospel is made up of second-hand, not admissible in a court of law, hearsay evidence, stories from people who only allege to claim to know what they are talking about, decades after Jesus' death. It also appears that not One fucking Christian actually knows what the term "Christ" or "Messiah" actually means and have turned it into some sort of Roman Comic Book Supernatural Superhero Myth Character similar to the Roman gods the Early Church-founders were rejecting as "Heathen." No Jewish Rabbi, as Jesus was, would claim the Jewish Blasphemy of alleging that title of office of Anointed kings & high priests, Hebrew idiom "Messiah" or Greek idiom "Christ," ever meant any Jewish Son of any God in any Superhero style heathen Supernatural god fashion. Then to make sure you couldn't find out about all the ‘Christs' in the Old Testament the Christian Bible translators changed All the Hebrew ‘Messiahs' in the Old Testament to ‘Anointed' ones because they are devious Religious Assholes like that whom Lie-by-Omission. Did any of you ever have even one of ‘In Gawd's Name self-appointed Christian Priests or Preachers point this out to you? Of course not, because they are all either delusional or con-artists! The Official Universal (i.e. Catholic) Church eventually did make its headquarters in Rome, of the former heathen gods, you know; and the First Letter listed in the New Testament is Paul's Letter To The Romans. ‘Christ' has now become the One Roman god to replace all other Roman gods, even though Jesus was never-ever-never Anointed into office as either an official king or official high priest of Judah. That's right, Jesus was never an official Jewish ‘Messiah' or ‘Christ' in the Entire New Testament; even if he did have a Near Death Experience and had a First Hand Experience of Your Cosmic Soul's existence in the Afterlife and explained through many mansions metaphors the ‘Other Side' inter-dimensions that physicists today refer to through ‘Quantum Theory.'

There is another reason I, Lawd Gawd, Created a Second Biblical Creation Story in Genesis and that was so a Reasonable Human Being could distinguish Yourself from the Delusional Religious Fanatics whom can't Mind Their own fucking Business and are trying to take over Your Country and the World, in ‘God's' Name, and make up Arguments trying to Justify a Literalness to My Allegorical Myths, meant to be Inspirational Stories for Children, as if the Religious Fanatics Themselves were 9-years-old, and should know better, but are still making arguments for the Existence of Saint Nicholas (Patron Saint of Prostitutes, by the way), as ‘Santa Claus,' who Rewards the good children with presents (‘Grace') and Punishes the bad children with Hell fiery furnace coal in their stockings, and who looks a lot like Their long White hair and bearded god if You take away his red outfit and give him a White Robe. By Their Delusional Works Ye Shall Know These Sons of Bitches!

There is a Third Creation story I give to My Scientists, but their version is dull & boring and full of Technical Jargon about Dark Matter and Dark Energy they are all in the Dark about and they can't explain away by factoring in measurements from the ambient background motion of a spinning Milky Way Galaxy, and besides they like to give you Pop Quizzes after every chapter.

THE SECOND, or ‘LAWD GAWD,' CREATION STORY:

This is the story of the Making of the heavens and the Earth when they were Created. When the Lawd Gawd made the Earth and the skies, there was neither shrub nor plant growing wild upon the earth, because the Lawd Gawd had sent no rain on the earth so as to not make wet the plants that were not there yet on the earth; nor was there any man to till the ground for the plants that weren't yet there.

However, a Fog used to rise out of the earth and water all the surface of the ground even though there were no plants to water yet. Then the Lawd Gawd molded a Man from the Dust of the wet ground and breathed into his nostrils the Breath of Life. Thus the Man became a living beast. Finally, the Lawd Gawd planted a Garden away to the East of Eden (which in Sumerian means a ‘Plain' where the Sumerian Hillbillies came down to from the Hills beyond that plain to farm and live, after I created their Empire; but in Hebrew ‘Eden' is a pun for ‘Pleasure,' the Garden of Pleasure; Puns are a Big Deal with the Second Genesis Storyteller–So I call him ‘the Punster'--and puns also make an easy literary mnemonic device for remembering made-up stories), and there Gawd put the Man whom He had formed in print. Now the Lawd Gawd made trees spring from the ground, all trees pleasant to look at and good for food; and in the Middle of the Garden He set the Tree of Life and The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

There was a River flowing from Eden to water the Garden, and when it left the Garden it branched into four streams. The name of the first is Pishon; that is the river which encircles all the land of Havilah, WHERE THE GOLD IS, which I, Lawd Gawd, don't need, since I can just whip up gold anytime I want to, but thought you or king Solomon might want to go search for the gold mines some day, which is why I mention it here. The gold of that land is good; bdellium and cornelians are also to be found there. The name of the second river is Gihon; this is the one which encircles all the land of Cush. These first two streams cannot be seen today because they are covered up by the sediments of the mouth of the Persian Gulf. The name of the third is Tigris; this is the river which runs East of Assyria, which would have the Greatest Library in the known world in Nineveh, in an Empire I haven't Created yet, but don't hold that against such anachronisms of the priestly writer of the story, while I'm killing time waiting to Create Eve. The fourth river is the Euphrates, but you already knew that.

The Lawd Gawd took the Man and put him in the Garden of Eden to till it, and care for it, even though I haven't Created the plow or agriculture yet. He told the Man, "You may eat from every tree in the Garden, but not from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil; for on the day you eat from it, since it is actually a mushroom that I make Fly Poison from and is used in Early Christian Artwork representing this very Garden story, you will certainly die," the Lawd Gawd lied to the Man, you know, as a practical joke in reverse psychology. Then the Lawd Gawd said, "It is not good for the Man to be alone and masturbating all the time. I will provide a Playmate for him." So Gawd formed out of the minerals of the ground all the wild animals, where the buffalo roam and the deer and the antelope play, and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the Man to see what he would call them, and whatever the Man called each living beast, that was its name, even the aardvark and Tasmanian Devil. Thus the Man gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the heavens, and to every wild animal. But, other than the sheep and chimpanzees, for the Man himself no partner for sex had been found. And so the Lawd Gawd hypnotized the Man, and while he slept, he took one of his ribs and healed the flesh over the injury. The Lawd Gawd then built up the rib, which he had taken out of the Man, and formed it into a Woman. That is why a Man is always complaining about his Wife's ribbing of him about taking out the garbage and other menial weekend chores around her house.

Gawd brought her to the Man, and the Man said:

Hot Damn!
Now this; at last I can get laid
Bone from my bones to give me a boner,
Flesh from my flesh that looks like a Playboy Playmate!
This shall be called Woman,
For from this Hebrew pun for ‘Mankind,'‘Adam,'
Was this taken.

That is why a Man leaves his Father and Mother and is united to his wife or wives, after paying her Father a cow and a donkey for her even though she has no say yet for centuries in these matters of marriage, and the two become one flesh unless there is a second or third wife or a concubine or handmaiden to orgy with, as usually reported in the Lawd Gawd's other Old Testament stories.

Now they were both Naked, the Man and his Wife, but they had no feelings of shame towards one another because I, the Lawd Gawd, had not Created the original Sumerian Man in the Moon, god, ‘Sin' yet, nor moonthly (sic) menstrual cycles, and besides there wasn't any other people in the Garden yet to see them Naked. If you want to actually ‘see' Original Sin just look up on any night at the Man on the Moon, the original Sumerian Moon god, ‘Sin.'

The ‘Serpent,' a Hebrew pun for ‘Enchanter,' was more Enchanting than any wild beast the Lawd Gawd had made. He said to the Woman, "Is it true that the lying Self-Created Creation of a Creator Pantheistic Bastard, Gawd, has forbidden you to eat from any tree in the Garden?"

The Woman answered the Enchanter Serpent, "He told the Man, not me; but the Man told me We may eat the fruit of any tree in the Garden, except for the tiny mushroom shaped tree in the Middle of the Garden; the Man said Gawd has forbidden us to either eat or touch the fruit of that; because if we eat a toadstool, we might die."

The Enchanter Serpent said, "That lying Bastard, of course you will not die. Gawd knows that as soon as you eat it your eyes will be opened like you were on LSD and you will feel like gods Seeing both good and evil. Worse yet, you will then know sometimes Gawd is a liar; or at least a joker pulling your leg sometimes with using Reverse Psychology. Tell you not to do something so you'll want to do it all the more; like sex, for instance."

When the Woman saw that the fruit of the tiny tree was good to eat, and that it was pleasing to the eye and tempting to contemplate, and its red color with white spots would make a great kitchen and dining room set theme, or maybe even to decorate a baby's blanket after I, the Lawd Gawd Create kitchens, dining rooms, plates, napkin holders and baby's blankets, she took some of the Fly Agaric mushroom and ate it. She also gave her husband some and he ate it too. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, while they were tripping their brains out, and they discovered that they were not really in the Lawd Gawd's Pleasant Garden but in a fucking Jungle, Butt Naked, and surrounded by thorns, poison ivy, spiders and lions and tigers and bears (oh my); so they stitched a fig-leaves pattern together and invented clothes and made themselves loincloths.

The Man and his Wife heard the sound of the Lawd Gawd walking in the Jungle at the time of the evening breeze and hid from the Lawd Gawd among the trees of the Jungle. But the Lawd Gawd called to the Man, like you might call to a pet dog, and said to him, "Where are you?"

The Man replied, "I heard the sound as You were walking in the Jungle, and I was afraid because I was Naked, and I hid myself, because I'm not yet in the habit of wearing the clothes we just invented."

Gawd answered, "Who told you that you were living in a fucking Jungle?"

The Man said, "The woman you gave me for a Playmate, she gave me the fruit from the mushroom and I ate it. Blame it on the Woman!"

Then the Lawd Gawd said to the Woman, "What is this shit that you have done?"

The Woman said, "The Serpent Enchanted me, and I ate. Blame it on the Enchanter!"

Then the Lawd Gawd said to the Enchanter Serpent:

"You motherfucker, can't leave you alone for a minute can I?
Because you have done this you are accursed
More than all cattle and all wild beasts
Or anything else I happen to feel like accursing.
On your belly you shall crawl, and dust you shall eat
All the days of your life.
I will put enmity between you and the Woman,
Between your brood and hers.
They shall strike at your head,
And you shall strike at their heel."

To the Woman He said:

"I will increase your labor and your groaning,
And in labor you shall bear children.
You shall feel an urge for your Husband's penis,
And He will be your Master."

And to the Man He said:

"Like a Chump you have listened to your Wife
And have eaten from the mushroom which I forbade you,
Because some of the toadstools look alike, and really are poisonous,
and if you don't know how to take a spore print, it might kill you.
Good thing I put the Amanita Muscaria
Right in the Middle of the Jungle, and in My book of 2nd Esdras
where it was easy for you to find it..
Here an accursed, there an accursed
Everywhere an accursed accurse!
But accursed shall be the ground on your account.
With Labor you shall win your food from it
All the days of your life.
It will grow thorns and thistles for you,
None but wild plants for you to eat,
I'm taking back the plow, tilling and agriculture
And you can be a hunter-gatherer for 930-years
Or the next paragraph, whichever comes first.
You shall gain your meals by the sweat of your brow
Until you return to the ground;
For from it you were taken.
Dust you are, to dust you shall return,
After the ripe old age of a 930-years-old."

The pun for ‘Mankind,' ‘Adam,' called his wife the pun for ‘Life-Giver,' ‘Eve,' because she was the Mother and life-giver of all Stupid Dancing Naked Bipedal Hominids whom live. The Lawd Gawd said, "Enough of these scratchy fig leaf loincloths," and made tunics of animal skins for Adam and his wife, because she looked as Hot in animal skins as a Bettie Page magazine cover, and clothed them. He said, "The Man has become like one of Us, whomever We All of Us are, Knowing Good and Evil; what if he now reaches out his hand and takes fruit from the Tree of Life also, eats it and lives forever?" So the Lawd Gawd drove him out of the Jungle East of Eden, gave him back his plow to till the ground, from which he was Created. He cast him out, and to the East of Eden He stationed a couple of Heralds on permanent Guard Duty with swords they could whirl and flash, for Special Effects, to guard the future way from the tree of life.

The Man lay with his Wife, Eve, and she got knocked up and gave birth to ‘Cain,' a Hebrew pun for ‘Created.' She said, "With the help of the Lawd I have Created a baby man into being."

Then Adam got pissed and said to his Wife, "The Lawd Gawd this and the Lawd Gawd that, all the fucking time with the Lawd Gawd this and the Lawd Gawd that, didn't I have a little something to do with creating the baby too, or have you been fucking the Lawd Gawd behind my back?" And he stomped off to a bar in the village of Enoch which Cain would grow up to expand into a city after I, the Lawd Gawd, Created some more Tribal Citizens, and women, to live there with him in the land of Nod. Just in case you haven't figured it out yet these early Genesis genealogies are not really about individuals so much as they are metaphors for Tribes named after puns for ‘Mankind,' ‘Adam,' because an individual doesn't live for 930-years, but a Tribe may.

Afterwards she had another child, his brother ‘Abel,' a Hebrew pun for ‘Vanity.' Abel was a Rancher and a Shepherd and Cain was a Farmer and a tiller of the soil. And we all know the history of how Ranchers and Farmers don't get along and won't mend fences. The day came when Cain brought some of the produce of the soil as a gift to the Lawd; and Abel brought some of the first-born of his flock, the best portions of them. Abel had a good year and with Vanity bragged to Cain about how the Lawd had received Abel and his gift with favor; but Cain's crops didn't have a good Season and he thought the Lawd did not receive him with favor. Cain was very angry and his face fell. Then the Lawd said to Cain, "Why are you so angry and cast down?"

"If you do well, you are accepted;
If not, evil is a devil crouching in your mind.
It shall be eager to get you, and you will be mastered by it."

Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let us go into the open country where all the people who have not yet been created won't be able to see us." While they were there where they couldn't be seen by the people not yet created, Cain attacked his brother Abel and murdered him to be rid of his Vanity and all his bragging.

Then the Lawd said to Cain, "Where the fuck is your brother Abel?"

Cain answered, "I do not know," he lied, "I'm not on Brother-watch today; am I my brother's keeper?"

The Lawd said, "What the fuck did you do? Shit! Your brother's blood that has been shed is crying out to me from the ground. Now you are accursed, and banished from the ground which has opened its mouth wide to receive your brother's blood, which you have shed. When you till the ground, it will no longer yield you its wealth."

Cain said, "No Big Deal, I didn't like being a vegetarian anyway, and besides, now, I have all Cain's animals.

The Lawd said, "Then you shall be a vagrant and a wanderer on earth, at least until you get that city of Enoch built, and you are now a Building Contractor and a Mason, and the Mark of Cain will be a builder's Compass and a Square with a Big ‘G' standing for ‘Gnostic,' ‘One who Knows,' in the center therewith, the Marks of a Mason. But only until I cause Noah's Flood to wipe all you Cainite motherfuckers off the face of the earth. Then all this speculation about what is the Mark of Cain will be done with and over, you know, gone forever and drowned with everybody else in Noah's Flood."

Cain said to the Lawd, "My punishment is heavier than I can bear," he lied, "You hast driven me today from my ground, and I must hide myself from Your Omnipresent Presence, even though We don't have a Tabernacle Tent or an Ark of a Covenant yet, where everybody thinks Your Omniscient Presence supernaturally lives. I shall be a vagrant and a wanderer on earth, at least until I build this city called Enoch, and anyone who doesn't exist yet but meets me after You get around to creating them, might kill me."

The Lawd answered him like an ink and paper–created by the hand of man–idol god character in print in a Jewish story book for children, "No: if anyone kills Cain, Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, even though we don't have sevenfold people in existence yet.." So the Lawd put a Mark on Cain, in order that anyone whom He hasn't Created yet, meeting this city-building-contractor should not kill the murdering bastard.. Then Cain wandered out from the Lawd's Omnificent Presence and settled in the land of ‘Nod,' a pun for Exile,' where he was often found nodding off from all the boring Old Testament writings. Once again Nod is a land East of Eden.

Then Cain had sex with his wife; and she got knocked up and bore Enoch. Cain was by then building a city, which he named Enoch, named after his son, which is a Hebrew pun for ‘an initiation into or a discipline,' like Secret Masonic Guilds have. Enoch begat ‘Irad,' a pun for ‘fugitive'; Irad begot ‘Mehujael,' a pun for ‘smitten of God'; Mehujael begot ‘Methushael,' a pun for ‘man of God'; and Methushael begot ‘Lamech,' a pun for ‘Instructing,' like instructing with using mnemonic device puns to drive home a point.

Lamech married two wives, one, a trophy-wife named ‘Adah,' a pun for ‘Ornament,' and the other ‘Zillah,' a pun for ‘Defend.' Adah bore ‘Jabal,' a pun for ‘stream,' who was the ancestor of herdsmen by a stream who live in tents; and his brother's name was ‘Jubal,' another relation pun for ‘stream,' he was the ancestor of all those motherfucker Blues musicians who play musical streams on guitar and saxophone. Zillah, the other wife, bore ‘Tubal-Cain,' a pun for ‘Restore-Creation,' the master of all coppersmiths and iron blacksmiths, which was odd because the Lawd Gawd had yet to create the Iron Age; and Tubal-Cain's sister was ‘Naamah,' a pun for ‘Pleasantness.' Don't puns make great literary mnemonic devices to remember infallible made up stories by. Oh, but there is so much more punning to come from ‘the Punster' in Genesis that you may have never ever never guessed about before.

Lamech boasted to his wives:

"Adah and Zillah, listen to me;
Wives of Lamech, mark what I say:
I kill a man for wounding me,
A young man for a blow.
Cain may be avenged seven times,
But Lamech seventy-seven."

Not that it mattered all that much since the whole lot of them and all their Cainite progeny and descendants, and genealogy tables, were going to be drowned in Noah's Flood anyway.

Adam had sex with Eve again. She bore a son, and named him ‘Seth,' a Hebrew pun for ‘Placed,' she said, "For Gawd has granted me another son in Place of vain Abel, because created Cain killed him," Seth too had a son, whom he named ‘Enosh,' a pun for ‘Mortal.'

At that time men began to invoke the Lawd by name.

This is the record of the descendants of Adam/Mankind. On the Day when Gawd Created Man he made him in the likeness of the Microcosm of the Omnipresent Creation. He Created Them male and female, and on the Day He Created them, He blessed them and called them a whole gaggle of puns for Mankind, Stupid Dancing Naked Apes that They are.

. . . to be continued . . .