A & A Assurance Associates, LLC
With Annunciations & Declarations Promulgates Notarized & Certified
Dispensational, Pre-Tribulation & Eschatological
Insured: ______________ ; Sum Insured: $1,144,000 dollars U.S.;
Policy Date:______________; Policy Number: 12,740,666
Our Insuring Agreement: If, while this Policy is in Full Force, the Insured (as Designate in the Application subject to the Provisions of this Policy and covered by this Policy) becomes "Left Behind" while Your ( "You," "Your," "Yours," and "Owner" henceforth refer to "Owner of this Policy") "Significant Other (e.g. spouse; civil union domestic partner; innocent and blameless only child; dog; cat; goldfish; gerbil; other Lonely Hearts Club live-in or pet; indispensable caretaker/house keeper; or blow-up doll)" is "Taken in the Rapture," as defined below, We ( "We," "Us," "Our," "Ours," and "Company" henceforth refer to the "Apocalypse & Armageddon Assurance Associates, Limited Liability Corporation") the company will pay to the above Beneficiary (the person or persons to whom this policy is payable to) the Sum Insured as of the Policy Year of the Rapture as shown in the below Policy Specifications.
Double Indemnity Accident Clause: If the Insured's Significant Other has an Accidental Rapture while driving an automobile, flying an aircraft, mowing the grass on a riding lawn mower, or operating any other transportation conveyance causing an actionable accident, the company will pay to the beneficiary an Accidental Rapture Benefit, as defined below, in addition to the above Sum Insured a Double Indemnity of Twice the Face Value of this Rapture Insurance Policy.
Read Your Policy Carefully. This is a Contract between You and Us. If you have any questions or problems with your policy, we will be ready to help you. You may call upon your agent or our Home Office for assistance at any time. Our Temp Service sub-contractor outsourced to India phone operators are standing by.
Tel: 1 (833) 462-3665, that's 1 (833) IMA-FOOL and ask for operator 12-21-20-12. Or our International line at: 011.91.69.IMA.FOOL. Or visit Our website at: www.apocalypseandarmageddon.org.
Binding Contract: Our company and you, the Owner, are Bound by the Conditions and Provisions of the Policy and by the Graft and De-regulated Government codifications and supervision of Limited Liability Corporations (LLC; So don't blame us for anything, or for not understanding the Fine Print of legalese boilerplate jabberwocky and bafflegab thanks to our big campaign contributions to Politicians who have passed legislation that favors loopholes for Public Grant "fictional person" Corporations over their own constituents--you voted for these jerks, you get the government you deserve--because our legal liability is limited, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)
Representations and Warranties: All statements made in the application, in the absence of or not of fraud, are considered "Representations" and not "Warranties." Changes to this Policy are NOT VALID unless We make them in Writing. They must be signed by Both of Our Executive Officers. NO AGENT has the Authority to change this Policy or to Waive ANY of its Provisions.
Policy Statement: The Company would pay the Sum Insured to the Beneficiary when We receive "Proof" of the Insured's Significant Other's Rapture according to the Policy Specifications for "Rapture" as defined below.
Written Notice is a request or notice in writing by You to Us at our Home Office. It is how you let us know any Requests You Have, or Changes You want to make to your policy Order: Such as a Request for Additional Rapture Insurance Policy Certificates or Our nice T-shirts or coffee mugs for Your Friends, Loved Ones, for Office or other Gifts and/or to send to that Religious Fanatic who is always trying to "Save You" in his own peculiar way.
"Rapture" Defined: The Company, for the sake of This Policy, defines the term "Rapture" as set forth by Philip Doddridge in his 1738 Practical Reflections on the Character and Translations of Enoch, and by John Gill in his 1748 An Exposition of the Revelation of St. John the Divine and articulated in an essay published in Philadelphia in 1788 by Baptist preacher Morgan Edwards, an original Fellow for the chartering of the College in the English Colony of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations (today's Brown University in the Ivy League), about the pre-Tribulation Rapture, the view that Christian believers will be Translated to Heaven with "Christ" before the events of the Tribulation, based on his interpretation of the New Testament's book of First Epistle to the Thessalonians (i.e. 1 Thess 4:17) and popularized in 1827 by the Anglo-Irish evangelist and Father of modern Dispensationalism John Nelson Darby and still being propagated today at Bob Jones University and the Dallas Theological Seminary and by preachers and authors such as Hal Lindsey and Tim LaHaye.
Nonparticipating: Your Rapture Insurance policy is nonparticipating. The premium does not include a charge for "participating in surplus." This means We do not have to pay You Dividends on any Interest We make or earn off your payment of Premiums to Us which we invest Globally and make Windfall Profits on; so much so that we own more assets than those owned but by the largest of Oil Companies. The Company also does not pay the Sum Insured to the Owner, Insured or Beneficiary of this policy if You Participate in/or are Raptured yourself, as You will not need money amongst the Elect in Heaven.
Accidental Rapture: A Significant Other who is Raptured at a Time & Place causing a Rapture Relinquishment of a deserted operator of any transportation conveyance for which the Insured is Legally and Financially responsible resulting for the Insured in an Actionable Accident Litigation should Victims of such actionable accident pursue a Best-Bet-Deep-Pockets Civil Law Suit.
Default: If, when, Your Significant Other is Raptured and You are Left Behind, since that will be considered, in legal terms "An Act Of God," Your Rapture Insurance Satire Policy will be in "Default," as obviously You are not Worthy of the Act of God's Grace & Rapture and This Rapture Insurance Satire Policy will Cease to be in Full Force. In that case, since most of our staff should be Raptured anyway, Apocalypse & Armageddon Assurance Associates, Limited Liability Corporation Wish You the Best of Luck, as You will probably need it having to stay here and live among All the other Suckers who get Left Behind. Remember, Our LLC legal liability has always been tendentiously limited.
Signed at our Home Office of Apocalypse & Armageddon Assurance Associates, LLC, 1700 Heavenly Blue Morning Glory Way, Pago Pago, American Samoa 98765-4321
|Brian McCabe||M. Dawson Holland|
Copyright © 2011 M. Dawson Holland and Brian McCabe, All rights reserved